Here, I share my story of moving to the US from Ukraine and what it was like growing up there.
- What do you say when someone asks you where you’re from?
- At the age that I moved, it’s quite a tender age. It’s like being on a balance and always teetering between the two identities. Simply, it depends on how lazy I am feeling that day. Since I live abroad, I have to answer this question a lot. Even in the US, it’s been difficult to come up with a “go to” answer. The easy answer is I am from the US. But that is not 100% accurate for me. I feel compelled to say that I am originally from Ukraine, but, the reason why I don’t have an accent is that I immigrated when I was almost 9. People automatically assume I wasn’t born in Ukraine. I also have to address this question when people learn my name.
- Which culture do you feel like you belong to?
- Mostly the US because of how I was brought up when we moved there. I came from a large Ukrainian, but Russian-speaking city, into a tiny rural town. I remember, even at 9 years old, being shocked at where we moved. It was exciting seeing Atlanta, but the buildings quickly faded away. The biggest difficulty was that there were no Russian-speaking kids around. So I literally left my life behind and never looked back. The past quite literally felt like a dream. Nothing from Ukraine was brought to the US – tradition, food, culture, pop culture, and even linguistically speaking. My mother always spoke Russian and we did have Russian language channels for a while, but as soon as I hit puberty, I wanted nothing more than to fit in, So I didn’t want to speak Russian. I stopped. And regretted this when I started going to college….
- What are some differences between American and Ukrainian culture that have made an impact on your life? One is more optimistic, one is more pessimistic. In my experience, Ukrainians are more direct and not as smiley and sweet about it. So when I visit, it’s a little bit of a culture shock. You don’t see people walking in the street smiling for no reason, or greeting you as they pass you. I understand that I grew up in the South, whose culture is different from that of the north and other parts of the US. The food. Many Americans are disgusted by some of the food that we love so dearly. So that part of myself, I have to hide from my American friends. Kholodets, shuba, smoked fish, caviar, salted fish.
- Do you feel 100% accepted by either culture? No. I think this is also where age plays a huge part. The age that you move to the US makes a huge difference as to how much you are accepted into either culture. The younger you are, the more you feel American. The older you are, the more you identify with the original culture. I moved to the US to be old enough to be identified as Ukrainian or different from others. But too young to be seen as someone who understands Ukrainians and their struggles. I have never felt like I belonged to either culture. Of course, when you are young, you aren’t aware of these nuances.. But, I always felt like I was a little different than everyone. I didn’t fully get jokes and sarcasm, certain types of American humor. I didn’t relate to the references to pop culture. And I didn’t fit into a culture that idolized being extraverted. In Ukraine, people are more reserved, and I feel like I would have been more comfortable there when it comes to personality and social situations. When I went back to Ukraine in 2007 (right before I turned 16), I was told by a family member that I wasn’t Ukrainian. And that was extremely hurtful. Just imagine, you are born in your original country, are partially raised there, then emigrate for a better life. Then, when you return, you are flat out told “ you don’t belong here, you are not one of us”. When comparing both, I feel like I am more accepted by Americans than Ukrainians. Generally, I feel like Americans embrace people from different backgrounds more.
- How were your teenage years when coming to terms with your identity? Very difficult. At first, I began to deny my identity and stopped speaking Russian. Because it honestly felt so far away from me and like a dream from a past life. 7 years of no visits makes a big difference when you’re young. When we first arrived, it felt like a long-lost dream. .I just overall felt disconnected to Odessa. That 2007 summer when I went to Ukraine is when curiosity of my roots and ancestry started. My mother was adopted and it was a closed adoption, so I couldn’t get any information there. My biological father had left my mom when she was pregnant with me, and I had never met the man. I was at the age when questions started to arise. Who is this man? What does he look like? Do we have similar features? What is my family history? Is there anything interesting? So, I asked my mom if we could meet my father. People in Ukraine don’t frequently move, so they most likely were in the same apartment. When we went there, my grandmother was, of course, surprised. I won’t go over the details, but it ended up being disappointing. My grandmother said that everyone in the family has been blue collar workers. My grandfather’s side is from Leningrad, and one aunt moved to Poland. Those are the most exciting parts. She plainly said, there are no notable people in your family. She showed lots of photos that I didn’t get to take pictures of. So after that trip, the search for my identity has honestly been ongoing.
- Do you consider more than one place home? For me, home is Winder, Ga because that is where I spent the most years. But, whenever I go back, I feel like a total stranger. I feel very out of place.I have grown and changed a lot. I experience total culture shock when I visit.
- Do you feel more connected to people who have the same background as you? Why? Absolutely. I feel connected to anyone who has immigrated to the US. We just see the world in a different way. Even if we come from different original cultures, there is still an understanding between us. I also feel more connected to Americans who have lived abroad. I know that when I return I will need to find a group of people that have lived outside of the US.
- When did you realize you were different from the other kids? Was there a specific event? When I showed them Russian food. That was a big moment. Because the friends would react with disgust and like the food is not normal, even though it was normal and delicious to me. And when I was always called the Russian Girl at school. I liked it, because it made me stand out. Looking back, though, I am sad that none of the teachers corrected the kids that I was in fact Ukrainian, not Russian. I was also told I was “weird” frequently. I still don’t know what they meant by that….
- Did you question your identity a lot in your 20’s? Heck yes. In Peace Corps, I had lots of time to read. And I love reading self-development books. So I spent a lot of time thinking about my identity, roots, childhood, and upbringing.
- How do you see yourself now, in terms of your identity as a first/second generation American? What have you come to accept? What do you still struggle with? Do you feel any grief or loss? I think what would help me the most with my identity is meeting other Ukrainians who moved at around the same age as me. It’s a difficult age to move at because you question which group you belong to. And the fact that my Russian is broken makes me feel much more separate from other eastern Europeans.
Expat Chick 
